Rofl

Bharat = Karan O.o

Have you noticed how the random people who call you up from banks offering loans and savings schemes are always overwhelmingly bereft of basic intellectual faculties? If there is some cunning ploy behind this, I fail to see it. Not only are these callers profoundly dumb, they are also extremely rude. I got a call from one such specimen an hour ago. The conversation went as follows

Me: hello?

She: Hello. Sir, I am calling from ICICI bank. May I know your name, sir?

Me: Bharat.

She: What?

Me: Bharat.

She: Oh, Karan?

Me: No… BHA-RAT…

She: Okay sir, whatever.

I was so surprised by that that I didn’t know what to say for a moment. She, however, trudged on.

She: Are you interested in a housing loan?

My chance to tick her off was gone. The conversation had moved on.

Me: Um, no..

She: No? NO?

For some strange reason, she was astounded by my lack of interest in a housing loan. I guess in her world view a housing loan is the most important requirement of any sane human being. To refuse a housing loan must be akin to refusing food and water to her.

Me: Yeah, no.

She: Okay, how about a pension plan?

I felt like I was in a store buying clothes. ‘Don’t like the blue jeans? Why don’t you try the obnoxious, horribly out of fashion, flaming red bell bottoms? Look, it even has frills!’

Me: Again, no.

She: NO? *in her mind* Gawd dang it, neither loan, nor pension plan. What is this guy, a lunatic?

Me: You bet, sista.

She: How old are you?

Me: 17

She *without realising the sheer stupidity of offering pension plans to a 17 year old*: Are you sure? Are you in school? 12th?

Me: Yes. Yes. Yes. Now how is that relevant?

She: Can I have your father mother phone number?

Me *wondering what the hell a ‘father mother phone number’ is*: Oh go to hell…

How can they expect people to do business with them when they A) have trouble understanding simple, two syllable names on a clear line; and B) also lack basic courtesy. Instead of apologising or making an effort to get my name by asking me to spell it out or something, she says ‘Okay sir, whatever.’ Whatever. We are oh so touched by the care and attention you’re showering upon us. No really. How will I trust you to handle my money when you can’t pronounce my goddam name?

Secondly, she failed to grasp the simple irony of offering pension plans to a minor. She has taken the whole planning for your future thing far too seriously it appears.

Then there was the guy from the Credit Card department of the same bank who called me up one fine evening some weeks ago.

He: Good evening Mr. Kamal Mehta. I am from ICICI ba-

Me: Yeah yeah, shove it. I’m not interested.

He *in a haughty, reproachful, ha-gotcha-now-biatch voice*: What not interested? The payments on your credit card are due.

Me *genuinely surprised*: My credit card!?

He *same voice, just haughtier and more triumphant*: YES. Your credit card.

Me: I am 17 years old. I don’t even have a bank account you pillock.

He *suddenly not so sure of himself as shit deflates inside*: What? You’re 17?

Me *mimicking him*: YES. I’m 17. And my name is not Kamal Mehta, it’s Babubhai Bhanji.

And I hung up.

They’re thrusting pension plans and card payments on impoverished minors. Screw you, banks.

PS: Mr. Mehta,if you’re reading this by any chance, I hope you exhausted the credit limit on your baby. They apparently don’t have your contact information.

Currently Listening To: Kula Shaker – Grateful When You’re Dead (Jerry Was Here)

If I Were The Prime Minister

I had an inter house creative writing competition at school last week. Usually I don’t participate in these competitons. They’re too dumb. But I think some house-spirit got into me that day and I signed up. *shudders* The teacher, knowing what a slacker I am, forced me to practise some topics. Smack bang in the middle of a writer’s block. Hmph. I wrote on ‘If I Were ThePrime Minister’. The teacher wanted something optimistic and uplifting and full of idealism. Here is what she got.

It is perhaps excessively optimistic to say that all politicians start out with honest intentions. However, it would be equally pessimistic to say none of them do.The proverbial ’system’ has a plague like tendency to affect everyone within it’s reach. The idea of one man fighting against the system and succeeding is mere cinematic romanticism. If I were to become the Prime Minister it would undoubtedly involve a lengthy campaign during which I would have made several ambiguous promises to the people in order to secure their votes. I would like to say I would live up to all those promises once I don the purple but that would be naive idealism. Realistically speaking, it is more likely that I will try, to an extent, and the ’system’ being what it is – a regressive monster whose reins are held by a band of unscrupulous bandits, it will in all probability prevent me from having any measure of success. Eventually I will give up in disgust and join that same merry gang. One more goes to the dark side. Ho hum.

One of the greatest flaws of democracy is that the people choose. This prevents real change from taking place for the public as a collective entity has the intelligence level of a newt and has next to nil foresight. Reservation in educational institutions for the constitutionally defined minorities is an excellent example of this problem. Reservation was never introduced as a permanent feature. It was meant to bring the minorities at par with the general category and then to be abolished. However it quickly evolved into a powerful political aide and is now an important tool of votebank politics. Anyone with the courage to propose it’s abolition will face intense opposition, both from the members of his own party and the Opposition party and if inspite of everything he/she succeeds the person has no chance of being re-elected. Hence anyone with even a drop of ambition running in their veins will never propose such a thing.

If I become the Prime Minster I would rather, through means political and military, effect a coup and establish enlightened despotism. Despotism in my opinion, is an excellent form of governance. For all it’s flaws it has none of the hypocrisy of democracy. A dictator has the power to implement what he deems right. A democractically elected leader does not have that privilege. He is subject to the whims of the public. At the same time he uses these to manipulate the public to his own needs. Democracy, just like communism, looks great in theory but fails upon implementation. It maintains a facade of success which is misleading and stunts real progress. The people think they have the power but they are played like puppets and they don’t realise it. Moreover, despotism provides a chance for revolution and catharsis. That is when real leaders come to the fore.

Not my best, but oh fuck well, this is all school competitions merit. the actual competition was a disaster of gigantic proportions. Better not to speak of it.

Gadzooks! A post!

• Scene: Crowded, rickety excuse of a school bus full of noisy, smelly, apeshit kids. An obnoxious bespectacled idiot who got beat up by a girl two years younger to him the previous day is singing Altaf Raja songs in the background.

Characters:
Imbecile – Corpulent, obnoxious and bored 11 year old;
Me – A super-cool 17 year old who is anxious to reach his house which, unlike the bus, has a        bathroom.

Imbecile *suddenly turning towards Me who is seated beside him* : Bhaiyya, aapki koi girlfriend hai? [Do you have a girlfriend?]

Me *tearing his eyes from the roadside where stands a squat building stained in various unhealthy shades with the words ‘Sulabh Shauchalya’ painted on it* : Nahin… [No...] (The truth in that response is up for speculation)

Imbecile *with a gap toothed grin which makes people want to punch him. Hard* : Haan, aap se koi patne bhi nahin waali. [Yeah, no girl's gonna fall for you.]

Kids these days… *shakes head in despair*

• Belated Happy 109th to Ernest Hemingway. R.I.P.

• Jimmy Page and David Gilmour have been ousted. My favourite guitarist now is jazz fusion guitarist John McLaughlin who was a guitarist on some of Miles Davis’ albums, most notably Bitches Brew, and formed one of the most influential jazz fusion bands ever -The Mahavishnu Orchestra. He also formed the first fusion band ever – Shakti which consisted of Zakir Hussain, L. Shankar and several other Indian musicians apart from McLaughlin way back in the 70s when the term ‘fusion’ wasn’t even used in relation to music. Second on the list is Lou Reed, guitarist for the Velvet Underground and the man responisble for Metal Machine Music, arguably the rock music counterpart of Finnegan’s Wake.

• My classmates are regressive, homophobic, narrow minded, tasteless morons and I hate them all.

• Anyone who likes juicy, vitriolic Early Middle Ages gossip go read The Anekdota by Procopius of Caesarea.

So yeah, the point of this post is… nothing.

Currently Listening To : Shakti - Two Sisters

Heh.

You know you’re a sadist when you, forced to courier a fucking package for your friend, pack it so tight that it takes him forever to open and this makes you feel better about having gone through all that effort to pack it and resist the urge to pop the frigging bubblewrap.

On a somewhat different note, I am addicted to this now. – http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml

Teh 5 Things About Me Tag

So I was tagged by CJ. My writer’s block kicked in again and I haven’t been able to write anything even borderline decent in a while. Didn’t wanna let the blog die so figured I’d do the tag. Was saving it up for just such an eventuality.

5 things found in your bag

• MP3 Player
• Spiral bind notebook
• Faber Castell triangular pencil, Non Dust eraser and Parker Rollerball (blue) [Yes, I'm particular about these things]
• Some book – Currently A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man by James Joyce
• A bottle of water

5 favourite things in your room

• Computer! – What would I do without my ancient excuse of a computer?
• Bookshelf and the books inside – I wanted a wooden bookshelf but a metal one’s better than nothing I guess. I wish I had more books to fill it up with.
• My assortment of crude, improvised, mock medieval weaponry  - Yeah yeah, laugh all you want.
• Badminton Racquet – Bought it when I was 12, after lots of begging and nagging and unkept promises. I was in love with it for a long while.
• Random clutter – Old newspapers, sawdust, random scraps of paper with doodles on them etc. Come in very handy at times.

5 things you have always wanted to do

• Get published – This is pretty obvious.
• Lead a real cavalry charge – This one is slightly insane and totally implausible. I blame the history obsession and cavalry fetish.
• Meet Bono and Moby [and David Gemmell too but he's dead so... ] – Two of my favourite musicians. And David Gemmell is quite possibly one of my favourite writers, easily the one who inspires me the most.
• Oh and I wanna meet Girish Jadhav – Amateur military historian with a huge collection of weapons. Need I say more?
• Go to Ireland and Turkey – I love Irish music. And the BEER (I haven’t tasted any, I just succumb easily to the hype )! I wanna see Dublin, the city that inspired the likes of Joyce and Wilde. Turkey is a melting pot of civilisations and cultures. Istanbul (formerly Constantinople) is one of the greatest cities of the world. Of course, I want to travel all over the world but these two are at the top of the list.

5 things you are currently into

• Cartography and sub-creation – Drawing maps of alternate worlds and populating them with people and chalking out a history for them. Fun stuff.
• Grateful Dead – In the words of Lenny Kaye “Their music touches on ground that most other groups don’t even know exists.”
• Minimalist fiction – I just like it. The subtleity, the multiple interpretations, the abrupt endings. I like it all.
• Sassanian heavy cavalry – I blame the cavalry fetish again.
• Woodworking – One of my phases. Every once in a while I become obsessed with woodworking and cover my room in sawdust. Right now I’m making a wooden cutlass. I made one earlier but it broke. Not gonna make the same mistake this time.

5 people you want to tag

Ish (If you haven’t done this before)
Vasudha
Amit
Nikita
Nidhi

Currently Listening To: Jeff Beck – Rollin’ And Tumblin’

My awesome funeral

Bob Marley was buried in a crypt near his birthplace with his Gibson Les Paul, a soccer ball, a fat Cannabis bud, a bong, a ring that he wore every day that was given to him by the Prince Asfa Wossen of Ethiopia and a Bible.

Ignoring the Bible part, isn’t that the coolest shit ever? Being buried with pot and bong…

When I die I want a badass Viking funeral. I think it’s illegal now in most countries but still…

Burial scares me and grosses me out. I don’t want to be food for maggots once I die. The Hindu cremation system comes with a shitload of disgustingly archaic and pointless rituals. Balls to that.

Now the Vikings, they did some cool shit. They gathered on the beach in the evening and lit a huge bonfire. They then laid the dead chap on a longboat and set it adrift. Viking men would then poke arrows in the bonfire and fire them on the ship thereby setting it ablaze. And then they’d watch as the burning ship faded into the horizon. It is said that if the colour of the flame matched the fiery red of the sunset then the dead man would go to Valhalla.

And in my longboat I want a copy of Catcher in the Rye, my saxophone (assuming I live long enough to learn to play one), my G.I.Joes (yeah yeah, you can make fun of me now…), a lochaber axe and a spagenhelm.That’s it I guess.

World’s Greatest Rockstar!

Ian Anderson.

He is the world’s greatest rockstar!

He sings, he playes the flute, he’s a member of Jethro Tull.

There are better singers, there are better flautists and there are better bands.

BUT

Ian Anderson is the world’s greatest rockstar because…

*drumroll*

*drumroll*

*drumroll*

HE LOOKS LIKE A PIRATE!!